How to manage stress, tips for restoring your equanimity

The point is not to avoid stress altogether. One, it’s impossible. Two, a bland, uneventful life would be boring, which isn’t good for your health, either. Three, some stressors are fabulous— landing a great job, getting married, or traveling to foreign lands.

Identify the “bad” stressors in your life. Common examples include job instability, financial insecurity, concerns about personal safety, witnessing or experiencing violence, dysfunctional interpersonal relationships, taking care of chronically ill family members, social isolation, loss of a loved one, and severe injury or illness. Less recognized stressors include excessive noise, lack of exposure to sunlight and open spaces, pollution, sleep deprivation, insufficient time for relaxation, sedentary lifestyle, junk-food diets, information overload, and “technostress” (becoming a slave to your electronic devices).

Your next step depends upon the nature of the stressor. If it’s odious and you can eliminate it, do so. That may mean curtailing relationships that only make you unhappy. Others can’t be easily eliminated or avoided.

However, you can always change your attitude. For instance, losing your job can be devastating. But it also opens the door for new opportunities. There are people who’ve had to sell their cars to make ends meet—only to feel surprisingly liberated by that loss (and lose weight and gain muscle after cycling to work or school). Some have gone into entirely new professions and discovered new passions.

Here’s an interesting fact about how the brain responds to a potential threat. Information from the senses quickly alerts primitive brain centers. Those brain centers kick-start the sympathetic nervous system. But then loftier brain centers (the prefrontal cortex) have a chance to evaluate the situation. Take advantage of that. Ask yourself, “Is this situation a serious threat to my health and well-being?”

Let’s go back to the traffic jam. Maybe you’re going to be late to an important meeting. That’s not good. Maybe next time you need to leave earlier (learning opportunity). Will the sluggish movement of cars physically harm you? Probably not—unless you start darting in and out of lanes, honking, and angering other motorists. What can you do to soothe yourself? Maybe (if it’s safe to do so), you phone to say you’ll be late. Perhaps you turn on relaxing music or an audio book. You take some slow, deep breaths. You tell yourself, “All is well.” You wave and smile at motorists. You might even start a chain reaction of goodwill.

Changing the way you think about a situation is what psychologists call “cognitive reframing.” It’s a powerful tool. View change as interesting challenges and opportunities for personal growth. Notice how you’re getting stronger and wiser because of them. As Winston Churchill said, “Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.”

Spend more time in the present moment. Usually any given moment isn’t that bad, though our predictions of doom and gloom make it so. If you pay close attention, you may become aware of how many things are beautiful and amazing— right now. Ask yourself what’s great about your life. Of course, some moments contain pain and sorrow. But they don’t go on forever. It’s when we worry that life seems worse than it actually is. We lose sight of our blessings.

In addition, here are some tips for restoring your equanimity right now.

• Make a list of what’s going right.

• Write down three sources of stress you’re able and willing to change.

• Identify ways you have reasonable control over those situations. If the commute to work makes you feel hassled, would you feel more relaxed on public transportation? What if you left earlier or later? Can you work at home some days?

• Check in with your thoughts. Are they contributing needlessly to your sense of stress? How can you put a positive, but realistic, spin on them? If the inner chatter sounds like, “I’m so stressed. I can’t handle this. I’m freaking out,” stop. Try, “I have a lot to do. It will take time, but I can do it. Right now, I’m going to do this one task.”

• Exercise every day. Physical activity is a great way to let off steam. Solutions that eluded you at work or home may suddenly become clear.

• Learn to say no. For some of us that’s not easy. You may need to figure out why you feel so responsible. Give someone else a chance to rise to the occasion. • Schedule time to unwind and to play. That’s not the same as television time. Learn to relax and enjoy yourself. You’ll be a better person for it.

• Sleep eight hours a night. If you don’t, you’ll add to your stress load. See the next chapter for tips.

• Treat yourself. Get a massage, practice yoga, take a dance class, and soak in a hot tub. If co-workers, friends, or others try to schedule things during those times, tell them you have an appointment. • Get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation activates the stress response.

• Eat a whole-foods diet. Junk food activates the stress response. Take time to leisurely prepare and savor a meal. Put flowers on the dinner table. Notice how much better this approach feels than gobbling a sandwich in the car or at your desk.

• Seek social support. Hug someone. When you do, you release an antistress, bonding hormone called oxytocin.

• Spend time in nature. You needn’t drive to a national park. City gardens and parks do just fine. Put a plant on your desk. Watch trees, birds, and squirrels outside your window. Gaze at the stars. Jump in a pile of leaves. Make a snow angel. Natural environments reduce stress and enhance overall well-being. Ready access to green spaces can buffer the negative health effects of stressful life events.

• Pet a friendly animal. Science shows it reduces stress.

• Manipulate your senses. Soften the lighting. Listen to soothing music. Wear fabrics that comfort you. Surround yourself with peaceful colors—green, blue, and pink. Infuse the air with calming plant essential oils (lavender, orange, jasmine, or any other scent that makes you feel relaxed and happy).

• Learn to meditate. Try mindfulness meditation (paying attention to the present moment) and recitation of a mantra (a repeated sound). Numerous studies show that regular meditation reduces perceptions of stress, decreases stress hormones, reduces the risk of many stressrelated diseases, and helps people become less reactive to potential stressors. You’ll find short meditation exercises throughout the book.

• Breathe. Slow, deep breathing immediately turns up your parasympathetic nervous system and dials down the sympathetic nervous system. Even though the autonomic nervous system is also called the involuntary nervous system, you do have some control over it.

• Stay optimistic. Believe that things will improve. Make that possible.